We spend more time working and worrying about work than we do living in our non-work worlds – unless of course you’re resolutely unemployed or a lady who lunches while steadfastly wearing Gucci.
For most of us, our job is the source of our income and therefore our lifestyle and, above all, our public and self-image. And this is where the problems with confidence can start as we feel we are what we do. This can make our work life seem restrictive and more pressured, because of the demands it makes of us and has to make of us, and therefore our confidence levels get pegged by pay, position and politics.
Although there is a lot of truth in this, work does not define us completely as people as there is more to us than our job or business area … unless of course you’re an estate agent or a traffic warden. I’ve met all sorts of people in life, but have you actually met a traffic warden at a party – ever?! No. I thought not. They just don’t get invited. Either that, or they pretend to be estate agents.
Defined by what you do
There are so many ways we can be pigeonholed in terms of our employment sphere, our job title, our income and even by what we tend to wear for work. Imagine if investment bankers wore blue and strategically soiled overalls and navvies wore smart trousers and tailored shirts and jackets. The world would have an image crisis and people would walk around feeling unnervingly confused and look at everyone else oddly, wondering if in fact a man in overalls, with a trilby hat tilted at a jaunty angle, was actually a tax inspector with the Inland Revenue or a lion tamer from Penge called Gervase. The British in particular are very good at ‘placing’ people in their social context by what they ‘do’ professionally, how they ‘do’ it socially and who they ‘do’ in … ahem … more private parts of their lives. And we are all very aware of what others think, aren’t we.
Many of us are so affected by what others think and feel about us, that when we sense them judging us we inadvertently and subconsciously allow them to dictate the way we live our lives and, above all, influence how we feel about ourselves. They affect our confidence when it is us, as individuals, who should decide how we feel about ourselves, not everyone else, no matter what our or their job or job title.
How you dictate your level of confidence
One key method for changing your approach is reverse visualisation. Imagine how you would feel if someone you met, professionally or socially, was unsure of who they were and how they came across, leaving you with the impression that they didn’t think much of themselves. You would think of them in a negative light. Would you feel a keen need to socialise with them or even recommend or recruit them for a potential job? Probably not, because we need to be around people, both personally and professionally, who have a positive sense of self and purpose. So how do you come across at work or socially? Do you give the right impression? It’s your decision how you feel about yourself and what you project and that could be the difference between you connecting with someone for your (mutual) gain and they claiming a sudden need to get away from you, to leave the country and live under an assumed hairstyle.
A very, very accomplished person I know, in both their professional and personal lives, once told me that the person they respect most in the world, their father, was unemployed for great chunks of his life. It was because of how he has perceived himself, whatever his professional situation, and how he has treated others as a result. He was and still is a source of great strength, love and inspiration to his family and others and he comes across in this way as he has always determined to believe in himself, no matter how tough things have become. He made the decision early on to take control of how he feels about himself and has never allowed others to dictate, consciously or subconsciously, who he is as a person or as a working or even non-working man. He has always been someone who people sense has something ‘differ because he has been as authentic as he has been quietly confident in himself which, in turn, has made him even more attractive to employers and highly regarded when, as a result, they have wanted to employ him.
Whether you’re worried about your job, have lost it or even are doing well, remember circumstances change and so do other peoples’ perceptions. They both vary like the wind – sometimes turbulent, sometimes calm. So it’s for you to decide to be the rock that remains unaffected by whatever economic or employment elements you have to experience. You dictate your level of confidence – not other people. So, if you’re reading this after giving someone a parking ticket or even getting their vehicle towed away, please try to get yourself invited to a party – even if you have to claim to be an estate agent to do so – and declare yourself and your job proudly to the assembled company. That will test your confidence. You could be surprised. Mind you, you could also be asked to leave.
Several years ago I was at a snooty party in Notting Hill in West London when I claimed to be a traffic warden after meeting too many insincere people trying to place me in their societal pecking order. And I was even more surprised when I realised, despite my straight-faced flippancy, that they believed me! It showed how exuding confidence can improve peoples’ perceptions … until I threatened to get one of the most affected guests (and there was some stiff competition on that score!) towed away. The important thing is to STOP worrying about your apparent lack of confidence. Worrying about it gives it significance – a significance it doesn’t deserve – and that will reinforce any unnecessary and unhelpful self-doubt.
Your job image
There was a time when I went to a series of parties with other young professionals where I met too many accountants who sheepishly admitted their occupation. They kept on apologising for being accountants because of the job’s dull, if not functional, public image. And some of them were even profuse in their professional and therefore personal self-denunciation. Now, some accountants have good reason to feel this way, but are too unexciting to admit this in case it makes them sound funny or intriguing. But there are many who aren’t dull and who have good reason to feel proud of their professional status.
My father is a chartered accountant and businessman and he is one of the best men I know. In fact, he was the best man at my wedding. He’s anything but boring and is an example of how a person should conduct their life.
When I met these apologetic accountants I told them I was crying out for one to declare, without irony, that they were proud to be an accountant and that they led a rewarding, stimulating and totally worthwhile existence. If someone did, wouldn’t you prefer to do business with them rather than the self-confessed lobotomised bean counter? And yet the same defeatist declarations were also uttered by people from the seemingly glamorous world of PR. As I also found out, if I told someone I was a national newspaper journalist or a network TV news correspondent – the very people whose editorial endeavours PR people try to steer in favour of their clients – then a lot of young PR people started getting twitchy. This is because they thought that proper journalists looked down on PR, as it can be the option for those who can’t hack it in proper journalism. Again, more apologies for what they did. The irony is that a lot of journalists look at the world of PR and think it’s a much more civilised way of earning a living as it is better paid, with nicer hours and nicer people, on the whole. A further irony, but a healthier one, is that I’ve met plumbers and others who do what are often perceived as menial jobs who love what they do because it fulfils them on so many levels. In fact, they are the sort of people you want to work with.
Being genuinely enthusiastic
Expressing a genuine enthusiasm for your job, through your words and actions, shines a positive light on what is often a dimly lit undercurrent for many people: an unenthusiastic and uninspiring feeling about what they do for a living. Even though your positive view of your job might reinforce someone else’s negative view of theirs, there will be a part of them that admires you and will be drawn to you. They will aspire to do something that makes them feel about their career as you do about yours. Whether or not they do something about it is not for you to worry about.
The point is that the many people with an uninspiring attitude to their work will rate you more highly because of your positive attitude. That will help boost your self-belief and confidence, even more so if, as a result of meeting you, someone wants to put work your way or recommend you to others, which will further strengthen your confidence. Is that likely to happen to the negative person? No way! And yet, how many people do you meet socially and professionally who are unenthused about their work life and are therefore uninspiring. There are far too many.
Note: This article is extracted from chapter 5, Confidence for work-life situations in the book Don’t Shoot, I’m not well! Confidence when you really need it, by Séan Brickell, published by How To Books. It can be ordered online from www.amazon.co.uk/Dont-Shoot-Well-Confidence-Really/dp/1845284577
