The People Bulletin

This article looks at how to be assertive with individual members of your staff. We include how to give effective feedback whether it is praise or criticism and how to encourage their co-operation and commitment to achieve the results you want. It is adapted from chapter 24, Managing your staff in our book, Entitled to Respect – How to be confident and assertive in the workplace.[1]

You may have only one member of staff or hundreds. For the purposes of the article we refer to those people who report directly to you, i.e. ‘direct reports’.

You may have inherited a team or personally recruited each member of your staff. You may have to manage people who are based far away, or your staff may sit next to you in the same office.

There is much written about the art of managing people[2], one thing that is agreed upon is that different personalities require different styles of management. When you work out what style works best with a certain individual you can really harness the potential that person has to offer. Some people work best when they’re given lots of freedom to get on with their job in their own way. Others work best when they’re receiving continuous acknowledgement and feedback. A lack of acknowledgement is usually the reason why people don’t co-operate and do their best. Managing those who need lots of acknowledgement can feel exhausting and time- consuming.

Perhaps one of the worst traps we can fall into as managers is to sometimes ‘give up’ on our staff and end up doing the work ourselves. Good delegation requires you to be able to trust others and ‘trust’ doesn’t come easy for some. The manager’s role can also feel lonely and scary at times, you have to make tough decisions and take responsibility for the consequences. Patience, tolerance and forgiveness are all words you might associate with counsellors and to some extent you are one of those too. Very often as a manager the person you need to learn to forgive most is you.

You and your staff

We’d like you to think about the dealings you have with various members of your staff and ask if you feel any of this?

• Concerned they may not like you for some reason.
• Anxious because you don’t know what they’re thinking.
• Afraid they may react negatively to your feedback.
• Worried that they may not think your praise is genuine, or worse, they might relax their efforts.
• Scared of any confrontation.
• Confused because unlike you they’re not excited about recent developments.
• Hurt, because after all you’ve done for them you feel they’re taking advantage.
• Angry that they don’t seem to understand the importance, urgency, critical nature, consequences of their actions.
• Irritated because it doesn’t matter how many times you tell them they still keep getting it wrong and you end up having to sort it out yourself.
• Frustrated because they won’t tell you what the ‘real’ problem is.

Do you find yourself saying any of the following?

• “Oh no, what if I’ve done something to upset them?”
• “They might think I don’t rate them or they might think I’m being unfair?”
• “I don’t want any aggression, I won’t be able to handle that.”
• “If I give them praise they might slacken off.”
• “Why aren’t they pleased like everyone else?”
• “They’re just taking advantage of the fact that I’m too soft!”
• “After all I’ve done for them, and they just go and drop me in it like this!”
• “Why can’t they just get on with things and sort the problem out before things escalate up to the director’s office?”
• “What have I got to do to get it into their thick skull?”
• “Forget them … it’s easier to do it myself.”
• “They expect me to be a mind reader – well I’m not!”

Solution Steps – please allow 20 minutes to complete these steps

In order to behave assertively with a member of your staff, follow the steps below one by one. You need to allow yourself a quiet solitary 20 minutes to perform these steps today and then a further quiet 20 minutes just prior to the actual discussion. Before you start, have a pen and notepad handy or you can use the template for ‘Managing Your Staff’ from our website www.entitledtorespect.com.

Step One – Visualising how you want it to be
Imagine in your mind’s eye that you’re talking face-to-face with a member of your staff about an aspect of their work that’s been bothering you. Your discussion with them is going well. What do you see happening? 

• Look at your posture, facial expression, your gestures.
• Listen to your voice, the tone, particularly the speed and pauses.
• Listen to the tone of the conversation – what is being said?
• See the effect of your assertion on the other person.
• How does that make you feel?

Step Two – Beliefs
The following beliefs will underpin and support your behaviour in the discussion. Read them through twice. 

• Assertion is not about being liked, it’s about being respected.
• I can be honest and respectful in my dealings with others.
• Praise is far more powerful than criticism.
• I can stand up for myself without attacking people.
• Confrontation can be very healthy and clear the air.
• I can choose how I feel and others choose how they feel.
• I’m responsible for my actions, others are responsible for theirs.
• Others are capable of doing a job well.
• My needs are important, so are theirs.
• Each human being has the potential to change.
• Everyone has all the resources they need, even if it takes a little time to find them.
• If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.
• You get more of what you want when you attend to what others want.
• I don’t have to lose for other people to win

Then choose the one that you believe will support you most in the discussion. Write it down on your notepad/template.

Step Three – Rights

Yours
The following list of rights will provide you with the confidence you need to behave assertively during the discussion. Read them through twice. 

• I have the right to deal with others without being dependent on them for approval.
• I have the right to expect work of a certain standard from my staff.
• I have the right to praise and give constructive criticism to my staff about their performance.
• I have the right to be listened to and taken seriously.
• I have the right to suggest improvements.
• I have the right to ask for information and make requests of others.
• I have the right to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ without feeling guilty.
• I have the right to refuse unreasonable requests.
• I have the right to change my mind.
• I have the right to decline responsibility for other people’s problems.
• I have the right to more time to make a decision/give an answer.
• I have the right to express my emotions constructively.
• I have the right to feedback from my staff.
• I have the right to make mistakes, because I’m not perfect.

Then choose the one right that you want to give yourself most – because if you do it will entitle you to the respect you deserve. Write it down on your notepad/template.

Others
The following list of other people’s rights will ensure you behave assertively and not submissively or aggressively towards them in the discussion. Read them through twice. 

• They have a right to sufficient acknowledgement from me.
• They have the right to know what the ‘standards of performance’ are and what’s expected of them.
• They have the right to support from me.
• They have the right to know what they are doing well and why.
• They have the right to constructive criticism, i.e. the impact of their behaviour and what they need to do differently.
• They have a right to be treated with respect and dignity and not made to feel small.
• They have the right to express their feelings, which may be different to mine.
• They have the right to refuse unreasonable requests.
• They have the right to be listened to and taken seriously.
• They have a right to be told about decisions that affect them in good time.
• They have the right to make mistakes and learn from them.
• They have the right to the necessary time to put mistakes right.
• They have the right to get on with their job in their own way once objectives and constraints have been agreed.
• They have the right to decide not to assert themselves and accept the consequences.

Then choose the one right that you need to give others most – because if you do it will entitle others to the respect they deserve from you. Write it down on your notepad/template.

Step Four – Self-talk
Below are some of the things that you need to say to yourself in order to programme yourself for an effective discussion. 

• “They don’t have to like me, it would be nice if they did but they don’t have to.”
• “There are aspects of their work that they do well and I can be sincere in showing my appreciation for these.”
• “There are things they need to improve on and I can discuss these separately.”
• “I can be firm and fair in raising any issues that affect their performance.”
• “Having made some notes I can put my thoughts across and ask what they think.”
• “If they don’t agree with the new structure/processes I can acknowledge it and explain why they’re being introduced.”
• “There’ll probably be some differences of opinion, I can acknowledge that we both see things differently.”
• “If there is a difficult exchange, I can keep calm.”
• “If they get upset it doesn’t have to spoil our relationship.”
• “If they don’t seem to care I can speak to them and explain why they need to accept their responsibility.”
• “I can say ‘no’ and give my reasons why.”
• “They have the right to make mistakes, but not to keep making them.”
• “I can invite them to suggest how they might change and ask what else they need.”
• “If they don’t tell me what’s wrong I can explain the effects of their current mood on the workload, on me and on others.”

Write down any more self-talk that you believe will help you get the result you want during this discussion.  Then choose one piece of self-talk that will be your mantra – something you can repeat again and again to yourself as a way of reinforcing your commitment before the discussion. Write that down on your notepad/template as well.

Step Five – Behavioural tips to apply during the discussion
Below is a list of non-verbal and verbal tips to get the result you want during this discussion. Praise is more effective than criticism to improve individual performance and motivation. We don’t, however, advise you to use praise to ‘sweeten the pill’ – so that you can say what’s really on your mind. You need to disassociate one from the other so that either praise or criticism is seen as genuine.

 Non-verbal tips

• Smile when greeting the other person.
• Make eye contact with them.
• Use the person’s name.
• Sit in an ‘earthed’ position, i.e. both feet firmly on the ground.
• Keep your gestures open and waist height.
• When asking a question maintain an upright sitting position.
• When answering a question take your time, nod thoughtfully before you respond.
• Keep a relaxed facial expression.
• End your sentences in a lower tone of voice.

Verbal tips

• Before giving criticism check that your feedback is specific, i.e.‘What is it that they are doing or not doing that is giving me a problem?… and how is it affecting their performance, or mine or even others’ performance?”
• Help the person tune in to what you want to talk about, i.e. “ Clare, I’d like to talk to you about the weekly meetings.”
• Own the criticism with ‘I’ and describe what they are doing, i.e. “because what I’ve noticed is that you’ve been arriving late and unprepared.” Show how it affects performance of the business, i.e. “it makes it difficult for us to make the necessary decisions so everyone can get away on time.”
• Invite a response, i.e. “What causes this/how do you see it?”
• Invite suggestions for change, i.e. “So how can you organise yourself differently in the future?”
• Test understanding if you’re unsure, i.e. “So are you saying it’s the train delays that cause the problem?”
• Confirm the solution, i.e. “So in future you’ll get the earlier train.”
• Before making any contribution signal what you’re going to do before you do it, i.e. “I have a question I’d like to ask,” or “I’d like to tell you about my idea and get your view,” or “I’m unsure about something and thought you might be able to help.”
• When you encounter resistance use a verbal handshake, i.e. “I appreciate your position in that you believe it’s a stupid idea and it hasn’t been tried before … do you appreciate my position in that I have responsibility for finding a solution to this problem and we’re fast running out of time?”
• Signal that you’re looking for a win:win rather than sticking rigidly to your view, i.e “I’m looking for a solution that we both feel comfortable with.”
• If the other person tries to steer you away from a win:win use a ‘no sandwich’, i.e. “Simon, I appreciate you think that it’s none of my business and that you’re not upsetting anyone else.No, I’ve decided that your behaviour needs to change immediately because of the negative impact on team morale. Next time you think I’m wrong, tell me and let’s talk about it.”
• If you agree with something that’s being said then say so i.e. “Yes I agree, that’s how I feel too.”
• When disagreeing with someone say “I see it differently in that I believe…”
• When you don’t understand something say “When you mentioned xyz what specifically did you mean?” or “I’d like to understand better what you meant when you referred to…”

Choose two or three behavioural tips from this list that you believe will work for you. Write them down on your notepad/template and place this where it will be a continual reminder for you.

[1] Available from howtobooks priced £12.99. www.howtobooks.com

[2] See also Helena Sharpstone’s article ‘Beyond the praise sandwich’ in The People Bulletin, 8 September 2010.