With Valentines Day just around the corner, emotions at work could be running higher than usual, leaving many HR and line managers with the risk of having to deal with possible tears at work.
So what should a manager do if faced with an employee who starts, for whatever reason, to cry?
While a box of tissues should be in every manager's toolkit, it is important to make that distinction between work-related tears and life-related ones. In most cases it should be obvious to the manager (if he/she has just given the employee bad news or critical feedback, or spilt a cup of coffee over them…)
Training needs
In a previous People Bulletin article ‘Love in a cold climate'[1] Stephen Engelhard points out that HR managers do need training on how to handle the fall-out of workplace romances: “What emerges is a clear training need for managers: not to turn them all into repressive killjoys, but to help them pinpoint exactly when relationships among staff might cause fallout at work, and to know how best to act when that is the case…By clarifying exactly where the potential problems lie, managers can be helped to intervene sensitively."
The crying game
The wider issue of ‘business fitness’ is picked up by the US life coach Dawn Lennon[2] where she tackles the issue of ‘Why Managers Don’t Confront – Fear of Crying’ in her blog.[3] She makes the point “a crying employee is not the same as a crying family member or friend. It’s not appropriate for us, as managers to comfort physically or change or message.” She goes on to make the points that tears have to be confronted or problems will just be stored up for later:
“The odds of an employee crying when you deliver bad news are slim. If s/he does, that’s okay. It’s a manager’s job to manage. You shouldn’t be cold or insensitive when confronting, but factual, balanced and fair”, says Lennon.
In other words there is a difference between emotional responses from an employee facing difficult feedback and an employee facing severe stress because of possible workload combined with personal issues – such as relationship difficulties at home.
Stress
When tears are a sign of workplace stress, the employers has a duty under health and safety legislation to monitor workloads and the risks of stress faced by employees. See Ann McCracken’s article ‘Toil and Trouble’ in The People Bulletin, 22 October 2009 as well as the learning points for employers from the recent case of Stephen Heaven and Grendon Prison covered in this issue.
Trouble at home
An anonymous exchange on a Monster forum summarises a typical set of circumstances leading up to an outburst of tears at work:
“I've been having a lot of problems in the personal realm of my life a relationship that isn't what it used to be, family illness, etc. - and today when my boss asked me, a team leader, why our team hadn't accomplished a goal we'd set, I just lost it, broke down, and cried. It wasn't a crazy weepy event, but I teared up and the tears just fell down my cheeks, in front of a conference room full of people I work with and for. What can I do now? Will anyone take me seriously?”[4]
To which a helpful response went:
“This actually happened to me during a meeting with my bosses. We were discussing issues between us and my emotions just went haywire. Now...it is an emotional time for me personally, my brother passed away three years ago and his birthday is next week, add to that, my man's father was just diagnosed with cancer last week. So, needless to say, I'm strung a little tight. It got the better of me yesterday. That has never happened before; in fact I am usually quite solid at work.
I apologised quickly explained that the emotions were not work related and to excuse my tears please. We continued the meeting with Kleenex and agreed to move forward from there.
All I can do at this point is carry on with regained composure and work hard. I don't think you lose credibility if you don't dwell on it and try not to let it happen again.”
Emotional intelligence
Being able to deal with one’s own emotions in a professional manner not to mention those of colleagues or subordinates (and some managers have confirmed they have had to deal with their bosses breaking down in front of them) requires a certain degree of emotional intelligence. The ‘personal’ and ‘social’ competences are set out in the Emotional Competence Framework discussed in Nick Bateson’s article ‘A greater understanding’, in The People Bulletin, 12 January 2011.
The gender factor
It is an inescapable fact that buried deep in the British psyche is the ‘Big boys don’t cry’ assumption. Anthony Balderrama points out in his article ‘The crying game – dealing with tears at work’: “When you discuss tears in the office, you can't ignore the role sexism – both past and present – plays. If a woman cries at work, misogynists are ready to label her as weak – proof of women as the fairer sex. Other co-workers are put in the awkward position of not wanting to appear too touchy and still not come off as too cold. For this reason, not everyone sees crying as just any regular act.”[5]
Keep calm and carry on
So, insight into why an individual might crying at work alongside the intelligence of how to get that person back on track without compromising on reasonable work expectations is the most effective solution to most incidents. In summary, if a manager is faced with tears at work for whatever reason, the key points to consider are:
- Crying is a normal human emotional response – don’t be afraid if this happens.
- Distinguish between work-related tears and life-related ones.
- Do not allow the fear of crying to hold back difficult but necessary conversations (e.g. addressing performance issues).
- Allow the individual time to compose his/herself and take a break if possible.
- If you operate an employment assistance scheme, suggest the employee uses this to deal with personal issues they are bringing to work. If not, suggest they seek counselling. Do not get drawn into being an amateur therapist yourself.
- Assess any workload issues for possible stress triggers under health and safety law.
- Address any emotional intelligence issues that could be resolved with appropriate training and development.
[1] www.apbusinesscontacts.com/the_people_bulletin-pb_10/coldclimate.aspx
[2] www.selfgrowth.com/experts/dawn_lennon.html
[3] https://dawnlennon.wordpress.com/2010/12/06/why-managers-don%E2%80%99t-confront%E2%80%94fear-of-crying/
[4] http://excelle.monster.com/topics/567-i-cried-in-front-of-my-co-workers-boss/posts
[5] www.careerbuilder.com/Article/CB-1017-The-Workplace-The-Crying-Game-Dealing-With-Tears-at-Work/